Things I wasn’t allowed to do in the Navy

I’ll start form the beginning (a very good place to start). When I was in the Navy, I was kind of a smart ass. I know that may seem shocking to some of you, but it’s true. Anyways, whenever I was told that I couldn’t do something, I would write it down in a little notebook for future reference. That and it was a good way to fuck with the person who was telling me I couldn’t do something. It usually went something like, “Jackass! You are not allowed to (blank) at any time!” I would then open the notebook and say,” Okay, lemme write this down cause I’m a little slow. ‘I am not allowed to (blank) at any time’. Got it! Thanks”, and then I’d just walk away. I filled up a lot of notebooks with things that I wasn’t allowed to do. I eventually consolidated those little notebooks into bigger ones and saved them.

A little while ago, a buddy of mine sent me an E-mail with a list of things this guy wasn’t allowed to do while serving in the Army. It was just a small portion of the list and it cracked me up. He also asked if I still had my notebooks and whether or not I could post my personal list somewhere out there. I found some of the books (I figured that only half of my list has been recovered) and posted it in a blog about 8 months ago. I couldn’t for the life of me find the entire list from the Army guy to give him the due credit for initiating the posting of my list. That is, until today.

I HAVE FOUND THE SOURCE! Ya for me! The list came from a website called “213 Things Skippy Can’t Do – The List”. I can’t believe that it took me this long to find it. Now, my search is over and I can cross yet another thing off of my life long “To Do” list. I’ll give a link to his website below. For those that have not read my list yet, here it is. Some of the things are similar between the two lists, which I think is great. It’s nice to know that there is a kindred smart ass spirit out there.

Now, everything on my list is something that I have done, asked if I could do, or something that I was specifically told not to do for some unknown reason.

1. I am not allowed to preform an exorcism to repair an air conditioning unit.

2. I am not allowed to declare martial law.

3. I am not allowed to plant an U.S. Flag on foreign soil and claim that land for the United States.

4 I am not allowed to order a trained guard dog

5 I am not allowed to bypass written procedures to order a trained guard dog.

6 When clarifying why I ordered a trained guard dog, “to guard my cigarettes” is not a proper answer.

7 I am not allowed to mock a senior petty officer with baby talk.

8 I cannot declared my rack as a sovereign nation

9 I cannot request diplomatic immunity because my rack is a sovereign nation.

10 I am not allowed to tape an officers hands together in order to prevent him from operating ships equipment, even if it is in the officers and ships best interest.

11 Using a welding torch is not an allowed way to “one up” the guy that smacked me with a towel.

12 I am not allowed to use ship’s funds to purchase a Thai hooker as recreational equipment for the ship.

13 The Loch Ness monster does not live in Pearl Harbor and I am not to report a sighting in the ships logs.

14 I am not allowed to yell, “Repel Borders” when my boss is trying to come aboard.

15 I am not allowed to refer to the Captain as, “Captain Stalin”

16 “Can I cross the patio Daddy-o” is not the way to request permission to cross the quarterdeck

17 Saluting is not an option when I am taller than the officer.

18 I am not allowed to make up my own names for the ships equipment. A turbine is not a “round-de-go-round”, a pump is not a “fluid squirter thing” and the submarine is not a “coffin”

19 I am not allowed to write my own names for the ships equipment in the ships logs.

20 I am not allowed to paint a smiley face on the side of a submarine.

21 I am not allowed to go to sick call because I have a “not so fresh” feeling.

22 While giving ships training to newly reported personnel, I am not allowed to tell them how to melt down the nuclear reactor.

23 I am not allowed to conduct formal ships training on how to pick up intoxicated foreign coeds.

24 I am not allowed to finish a nuclear reactor startup safety briefing with, “Let’s crank this bitch over”

25 I am not allowed to greet Admirals with, “What’s up dude?”

26 I am not allowed to change the name on my uniform to my nickname, even though that’s what everyone called me.

27 I am not a strong enough swimmer to tow a submarine and I shouldn’t try to do so.

28 I am not allowed to settle a difference of opinion with my Chief by thumb wrestling.

29 I am not allowed to submit a tactical attack plan on Disneyland.

30 I am not allowed to justify attacking Disneyland because of over-priced beverages.

31 I am not allowed the use the Engineers wife as a navigational aide, no matter how big she is.

32 I am not allowed to build a flamethrower from the ships equipment.

33 I am not allowed to give out detailed diagrams and instructions on how to build a flamethrower

34 I am not allowed to have sex with a female officer even if she asks nicely and says “please”

35 The “Happy Jack” (the skull and crossbones pirate flag) is not allowed to be raised on any U.S. Navy Ship.

36 I am not allowed to form a labor union.

37 British Naval ships are not referred to as “H.M.S Wanker” to British Naval Captains.

38 I am not allowed to use golf carts, cars, roller-blades or oxygen tanks during a 1.5 mile run in order to improve my time.

39 I am not allowed to revise the Uniform Code of Military Justice to suit my own personal needs

40 Guinness is not part of my special dietary needs and I am not allowed to request that the submarine stock it.

41 I am not allowed to be excused from physical training because it’s “that time of the month”

42 I am not allowed to use the phrase, “This boat sucks so bad it could pull the moon out of orbit” anywheres near the squadron commander.

43 I am not allowed to blame poor performance on “Mental trauma received during the D-Day invasion at Normandy”

44 Personal intimate grooming cannot be used as an excuse for being late.

45 I am not allowed to suggest a junior officer take a Mydol to adjust his attitude.

46 I am not allowed to use one curse word for every three regular words while giving training to ships personnel.

47 I am not allowed to give newly reported personnel a detailed statistical analysis of how one of them will die within the next year. I am also not allowed to form a betting pool on which one of the new crew it would be.

48 I cannot get a day off from work to attend my son’s soccer game if I don’t actually have a son, or any child.

49 I am not allowed to have an allergic reaction to bullshit.

50 I am not allowed to refer to officers as “Split tails”

51 I am not allowed the be relieved from my watch station by “Casper the friendly ghost”.

52 I am not allowed to be referred to as “Petty Officer Sex Bomb”.

53 I am not allowed to use the ships announcing system to voice my personal opinion about lunch.

54 I am not allow to skip while marching in formation.

55 I am not allow to use the following statements while filling out evaluations for junior personnel
“Can chug a beer in 3 seconds”
“Should be chemically castrated to protect the human gene pool”
“has hit rock bottom and started to dig”
“uses the submarine to carry his genitals from port to port”
“Has lowered all performance standards and continuously fails to meet them”
“Gets all the ladies”
“is a danger to himself and those around him”
“is smarter than anyone who will read this report. Just ask him, he will tell you so”
“is nuttier than squirrel shit”
“is a total bad-ass”

56 I am not allowed to dress like a pirate.

57 I am not allowed to slide down the middle level passageway on a pillowcase while the submarine is taking a large dive angle.

58 I am not allowed to sell submarine tours tickets to foreign nationals for a date two days after we leave a port.

59 I am not allowed to take leave for a Greenpeace obligation.

60 I am not allowed to exchange submarine rides for lap dances.

61 I am not allowed to put in a supply request ordering a new backbone for the ships engineer.

62 I am not allowed to collect data for the ships logs telepathically.

63 I am not allowed to go to sick call because I have a “morale deficiency”.

64 I am not allowed to conduct substance abuse prevention training while intoxicated.

65 I am not allowed to have my invisible friends stand my watch.

66 I am not allowed to learn technical information by osmosis.

67 I am not allowed to invent new ways to repair ships equipment just because “it worked on MacGuyver”.

68 I am not allowed to attempt any actions I saw on “The Dukes of Hazard” with the ships van.

69 I am not allowed to pretend that I don’t know a junior officer when I am sent to retrieve him from a jail in Hong Kong.

70 I am not allowed to use the U.S. rules of the road while driving in a foreign country.

71 I am not allowed to use classified materials to build paper airplanes.

72 I am not allowed to refuse an order because an officer didn’t ask nicely.

73 I am not allowed to give to the ships Engineering, Weapons, Navigation, Executive or Commanding Officers a time out.

74 I am not allowed to amend the ships posted plan of the day to include recess.

75 I am not allowed to conduct department training in a strip club even if the approved topic was “sexually transmitted disease prevention”.

76 I am not allowed to turn a fully pressurized fire hose on a senior petty officer.

77 I am not allowed to ignore equipment used to simulate a fire during a ships drill because I am only 5 minutes away from being relieved.

78 I am not deaf and shouldn’t pretend to be so when addressed by anyone senior to me.

79 I am not allowed to answer questions by a NCIS representative by repeating the questions with a more exaggerated, interrogative tone.

80 I am not allowed to dare the ships Captain to assist in carrying heavy equipment, or anything else.

81 I am not allowed to, or offer to, “kiss it and make it feel better” when the ships executive officer is having a bad day.

82 I am not allowed to go on strike for better working conditions, pay or benefits.

83 I am not allowed to substitute “nude” for the approved Naval uniform in any situation.

84 I am not allowed to use the “Safety Dance” as a damage control tactic.

85 I am not allowed to wake up any member of the ships crew with a fire extinguisher.

86 I am not allowed to use anti-contamination/ radiation clothing as ski wear.

87 I am not allowed to refer to ships drills as, “let’s play make believe”.

88 I am not allowed to write a prescription for “intelligence” for any Chief Petty Officer.

89 I am not allowed to refer to my chain of command as, “the forces of evil”.

90 I am not allowed to use any part of the submarines equipment to launch water balloons at other ships in the harbor.

91 I am not allowed to E-mail pictures of a surface ship in the cross-heirs of the submarine’s periscope, to that particular surface ship.

92 I am not allowed to take hundreds of pictures of the moon that need to be declassified, one by one, by the ships Navigation Officer.

93 I am not allowed to use pornography as a training aide no matter how relevant it might be.

94 I am not allowed to talk to any member of the media. (Side note. That one should have been obvious by now).

95 I am not allowed to wake up a new crew member, spending his first night on a nuclear powered submarine, while dressed in full anti-contamination clothing and yelling, “Holy shit! We have a survivor!”.

96 I am not allowed to answer the official ship’s phone line with, ” ’sup dude?”.

97 I am not allowed to, while giving a tour to local school children, refer to the head as, “the shitter”

98 I am not allowed to use any Naval vehicle for a beer run.

99 I am not allowed to slam dance, form a mosh pit or crowd surf at any formal Naval event.

100 I am not allowed to use the excuse, “demonic possession” for anything.

Here is the link to the Army list. Read it if you liked my list at all. It’s really funny.
213 Things Skippy Can’t Do – The List