Santa writes to me!

I’ve learned an important lesson today. Sometimes, Santa writes back. It’s not exactly the response I was looking for, but I’m not going to knock it.

To: TommyT (tommyt@worldwideweb.org)
From: S. Claus (s_claus@northpoleindustries.com)
Date: December 27th, 2006
Subject: Reply to your gift inquiry

Dear TommyT,

This is a response to your inquiry about certain items you did, and did not receive this holiday season. Although I do appreciate your concern over the gifts you have received this holiday season, I do believe that I can address each of your complaints with one, simple answer. You are on the Naughty List.

According to our records and those of our research partners, the decision to place you on the Naughty List was primarily made in lieu of the following incidents. These incidents were recorded within the previous evaluation cycle which runs from Dec. 26th to Dec. 23rd of each year.

• There were at least four recorded events of you “stretching the truth” in order to gain favorable status with at least five different women.

• Continued and excessive use of one particular hand gesture to communicate displeasure with motorists along I-25 in the greater Denver metro area.

• Your continued “research” (as you like to call it) of the female figure both online and in DVD form.

• Using excessive amounts of the alcoholic beverages as a way to do and say whatever you want without accepting any of the responsibility for your actions.

Although each of these incidents, when considered individually, will not place you one the Naughty List, when taken as a whole and considering the reports from previous evaluation cycles, I felt as if I had no choice in placing you on the Naughty List. I would like to encourage you to take the necessary actions in order to secure your placement on the Nice List for the upcoming evaluation cycle. Specifically, my evaluation staff and I would like to see the following improvements in regards to the above mentioned incidents.

• You are not a stunt driver nor a stunt double for any major motion picture studio, please refrain from telling intoxicated women that you are.

• It is not your responsibility to correct the actions of other motorists on any interstate or local highway. This also include residential and business area roads and streets. Using hand gestures in an attempt to communicate with other motorists is not only distracting to them, but to you as well. This results in a dangerous condition for all motorists in your vicinity. Do not attempt to correct any motorists with any hand gestures, verbal communication or by any unmentioned physical means in the future.

• Please attempt to continue your “research” of the female figure with a bit of moderation. We acknowledge the fact that the female form is indeed beautiful in all aspects. However, in excessive amounts it cannot be appreciated in the way it was originally intended.

• You are no longer allowed to use the excuse, “I was drunk” for anything, ever again. Your individual alloted use of that excuse was exhausted in 1998. There are no more extensions or increases to your individual allotment available now, or in the future.

I would like to see you on the Nice List for the next holiday season and I truly hope that you strongly consider implementing my suggestions for improvement. I do not believe that you are a bad person. I do not believe that you are an evil person. I do believe that you are, deep down, are good and honest person who just so happens to make bad decisions from time to time. I wish you the best of luck for the upcoming evaluation cycle and I look forward to seeing you on the Nice List for years to come.

Best wishes,
S. Claus