Midlife Crisis: Pros and Cons

Well, there’s no way to get around it now, I’m an old man. Yes, that’s right, I’m a whopping 35 years old.

I remember when 35 seemed ancient. I remember wondering how anyone that needed to use all of their fingers and toes to count their age could possibly survive being that old. Granted, I was at that time including quarter years when announcing my age to any who remotely looked interested (I’m six and three quarters!), but I still wondered at that age how anyone could live that long. The hamster died, the goldfish died, my Grandfather died; how could anything live past using all of their fingers and toes? It just seemed impossible to me.

I’m so glad that it actually is possible to be this old. Writing this would be a total pain in the ass without actually being “alive”.

In celebration of turning an age that, in my infinite six (and three quarters!) wisdom deemed impossible to reach, I’ve decided to go ahead and have my midlife crisis. Why not? I think I’ve earned it.

The thing is that, in these many years roaming this big blue marble we all live on, I’ve picked up a few survival tricks. One of those tricks is to make up a list of pros and cons whenever making major life decisions. I figured that this would also apply to midlife decisions and seemed a perfect way to figure out whether or not I should just go ahead and get it all over with.

Here’s what I have so far.

1. Buying a convertible sports car.

Pros- It’s a lot of fun dropping that hammer when the light turns green, schooling a bunch of kids in their import tuners that haven’t quite mastered that tricky clutch thingy. Besides, let’s face it, chicks dig sports cars. Especially ones they can tan in.

Con- Speeding tickets equal increased insurance premiums. There’s no way to get around it. That and I live in Colorado, it snows here. Sliding the rear tires out and doing donuts is a lot of fun, when you actually mean to do it. Not so much fun when the car kinda spins out on it’s own. Oh and tanning when you drive? Haven’t you ever heard of skin cancer? Oh and I just bought a new car. Do I really need another payment? I’m mean seriously, I’d like to retire sometime before I die. That and I’m already dating the only chick I want to impress and she likes the car I have now. Oh and there is no way I should ever be allowed to drive anything that could possible exceed 150 miles per hour. I’ve seen “Smokey and the Bandit” way too many times. There’s a good chance that I’m going to do something really stupid.

2. Dating a woman that is way too young for me.

Pros- Opening up my eyes to the views and culture of a younger generation. Having the chance to “do it all again knowing what I know now”. Pretty girls think I have class just because I can pick up a check and not worry about paying my bills.

Cons- Have you tried to talk to someone in their early 20’s? First of all, I don’t speak “text” (or is it txt?) Second, every time I hear the phrase “back in the day” referring to a year in this century, I get a little pissed off. “Ah yes, the good old early 2000’s”…blah, blah, blah, fuck you. I remember a time when MTV aired actual music videos. Hell, I remember before MTV when you got your music through this clever little invention called “radio”. Oh and the activities of celebrities that you don’t actually know in person should not be included in conversations about what’s new in your life. Knock it off. Get something else to talk about. That and guys, would you please pull your damned pants up? You’re not fooling anyone into thinking you need all of that room in your crotch area. M’kay?

3. Travel to new and exotic places with only a backpack and passport in hand.

Pros- The excitement of experiencing entire new counties without the filters of your standard tourist traps skewing your view. Meeting new and interesting people. Leaning about myself through adventures and accomplishments.

Cons- Hostels. How many viruses and different forms of bacteria do you think live there? I’m guessing it’s a lot. Sleep on a cot or, worse, a park bench? Are you fucking kidding me? I like my beds big and comfy, not to mention a fighting chance at having clean sheets. That I’m not going to share a room with some over privileged 18 year from the east coast, with dreadlocks and a new BMW that Daddy bought for him, who is trying to “find himself” while smoking his body weight in weed. Oh, and I was in the Navy for 10 years! I’ve already been around the world a few times. You know what is in all of those local delicacies the travel books say you must try? Diarrhea. That’s what’s in them. Straight up hours on a toilet swearing you’ll never eat something you can’t pronounce ever again.

Okay, now I’m depressed. I had to stop at three things because I just don’t want to go on anymore. Planning my midlife crisis sucks. I think that I’ll just have to settle for being happy with my age and look forward to what the next 35 years have to offer. Besides, my life is pretty good right now as is. I can dress like a big boy. Pay for everything that I need and most of what I want. I’ve traveled extensively and have seen what this world has to offer. I have a family the will always love and support me. I’ve done enough and gained enough experience to start building up some wisdom. On top of all that, I’ve finally managed to find the woman of my dreams and fall in love with her.

I think that I’ll just stick with her and leave the rest of the midlife crisis stuff to the guys who aren’t as lucky.

But the sports car still seems fun though, doesn’t it?